Let's Talk...Navigating Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations are inevitable and can be extremely stressful.  We’ve all been there. We’ve had to speak to a boss or work colleague, a friend or family member about something that has the potential to be explosive.  No one enjoys this kind of situation, so we usually put it off until we end up having a confrontation instead of a conversation.  

With a little thought and preparation, we can make these conversations far less stressful and get the outcome we want.

Prepare

Prepare yourself by taking a few moments to breath. Never have a difficult conversation when you are angry or emotionally charged.  Prepare what you want to say and say it.   If you are conveying something you know is going to be hard to hear, state it clearly in the first few sentences. Keep the outcome you want to achieve in mind, but be realistic and willing to compromise.

Body language

Watch your tone of voice. It might surprise you but words only convey about 10% of what we say, 90% is communicated through facial expressions and tone of voice.  If you are having a difficult telephone conversation, your tone of voice will convey most of the message.

Be open and curious

Try to show you are listening to their point of view by asking questions such as, “What is your understanding of what’s happened?” “What is important for you here?” It’s not always easy, but try to acknowledge their perspective without judgement. Most people are much more amicable if they think they are being heard.

Blame

You might think you are right and understand the situation completely, the chances are you don’t.  Every person will have their own perspective of what has happened.  If you catch yourself resorting to blame and saying things like, “You are the one whose caused this!” “This is all your fault!” Stop. The conversation is going nowhere.

See through attack

We can’t control how other people are going to respond. If you feel you are being attacked the chances are you will lose sight of what’s being said.  Try to see through the attack and listen for the message behind the words.

Defusing emotion

Be prepared for anger or tears. Defuse highly charged emotions by saying things like, “This must be difficult for you to hear.” “I understand why this is important to you.”  Don’t react to anger or match it.  Keep your tone of voice soft, in most cases, the person will eventually calm down.

Clarify

It’s tempting when you’re just relieved the conversation is over to leave some things a bit vague or not clarified, don’t assume people will have the same understanding of the outcome as you. Clarify what you have agreed upon.  Things that are unclear or left unsaid, will probably cause problems later. You might end the conversation by saying “Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.”  Show respect for their position and let them leave the conversation with a little dignity.

Reflect and learn – difficult conversations can yield insight and understanding for the future.

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